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Kabbalists Trumpet Swine Flu to Death

Good news! A whole group of famous Kabbalist Rabbis have decided to do away with swine flu and protect Israel. Have they decided to be an example to others by condemning the attack on Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat’s car? Or perhaps call for mutual understanding in the case of the Safra Square parking lot instead of rioting and burning garbage and attacking sanitation workers? No, no.

TrumpetsTheir solution: Fly around the country while tooting trumpets and shofars, in order to envelope the Holyland in a virus-tight hermetically sealed spiritual shield. No, we are not joking. But we are laughing, and inside, crying softly over the deterioration of Judaism into an irrelevant voodoo joke.

While interviewed, the Rabbis had a bit of trouble saying the word “swine,” which, for some reason unknown to us here, is a bad word. Instead, they called it “the plague” and “the Mexican flu.” This is probably because swine is not kosher. Yet the thought occurs, what if the Bible had refrained from using the word swine itself, and instead forbidden the eating of Mexicans?

Also, we wonder what would have happened if, heaven forbid, the plane had crashed with all the top-rated Kabbalists on it? My mother always told me never to put all your Kabbalists in one basket, or plane, as the case may be. Who would be the spiritual leaders then? Perhaps saner Rabbis who have a moral message that is relevant to our lives.

And what did they ever do before airplanes when enveloping an entire country in a spiritual trumpet-induced shield was impossible? Perhaps they actually provided a leading voice of understanding, morality, and good will that people could listen to and take seriously. But now, I guess it’s all techno-trumpeting.

We hope it works out. But something tells us it’s a waste of good trumpets.

1 Comment

  1. Oh come on…this is a charming story…no need to make fun of these ernest men. OK, it’s not the first thing i would think of in terms of health measure, but hey, you never know!
    Bruce :}

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