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OneJerusalem Special: The Peace Summit 2010

Part I: Washington D.C.

Middle East peace negotiations in Washington
Obama: I want to begin the summit by insisting to my Jewish and Muslim friends that these proceedings, leading where they will, are not just a shallow photo opportunity for this Nobel prize winning Pres!

Netanyahu: Not at all!

Abbas: No way Jose…..

Obama: Sebaba! Let’s get this baby moving. The President of Cool has some disco lessons with his wife! Ya dig?

Netanyahu: Swing her up down and all around President of Cool! Hahaha!

Abbas: Haahahaha.

Obama: Hahahaha. Ok Ok. Let’s get started, shall we? (motions for Abbas to speak)

Abbas: A’salaam Aleichem!

Netanyahu: Shalom Aleichem!

Obama: Peace my brothers. Welcome to Washington D.C.. Anybody up for some fresh Maryland crab cakes?

(Abbas squirms in discomfort)

Netanyahu: Yeah, I’ll try one of those bad boys.

Obama: I was kidding Benjamin. Now, down to brass tacks my brothers. Let’s start with Israel. Bibi, what say you?

Netanyahu: Israel is ready, willing and able to cooperate on a plan for peace. Our hearts are broken over this age-old, bloody dispute. It has to end. We will be reasonable and listen to the Palestinian
demands…so long as they do not compromise Jewish statehood.

Obama: (lights a cigarette) We are glad to hear that. Hillary and I have been praying to hear that Israel is ready to talk peace. How about Mahmoud – the quiet kid in the corner. What say you?

Abbas: The conflict has got to end. And that has to start with ending the occupation. It is one thing to set and honor a building freeze – but what we really need is to get the settlers out of the West Bank, for good. Look, even your own artists won’t perform at that new theatre in Ariel. You are wrong. Just plain wrong. If Israel returns to her pre-1967 borders, that also means there can be no settlers.

Netanyahu: No settlers? Settle down Mahmoud! This is very holy land for the Jews. We tell them that they can build and then two years later we change our minds? This does not look good. You all saw what happened in Gush Katif. There will be riots!

Obama: The only way to appease all parties is to make sacrifices. No solution without a return to Israel’s pre-1967 borders.

Netanyahu: Very well, Barack. But I think that both you and Mahmoud are overlooking the danger which Hamas poses. They have already made their way into the West Bank and are terrorizing my citizens. What will they do to the Islamic citizens living under the PA?

Mahmoud: Yes Bibi, we’ve consi—

Netanyahu: And not to mention the dangers posed by the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Islamic Jihad and the rest of the no-goodniks. You cannot make it seem like kicking the Jews out of Samaria will bring instant peace!

Mahmoud: Perhaps a civil war is necessary!

Netanyahu: If war is necessary than why should we appease the Palestinians who have no order among themselves! Less even than the Jews!

Mahmoud: Because the outposts are illegal!

Obama: That’s right. (puts his arm around Abbas and begins to rub his shoulder). Bibi, how about if I trade you arms for land?

Netanyahu: The settlers, my colleagues, will castrate me!

Obama: Bibi, how about arms and an additional $1 billion so you can build that spaceship you’ve been dreaming of!

Netanyahu: Ooh lala! (his eyes begin to twinkle and his face grows a big dumb grin).

To Be Continued….
(next time from Sharm El Sheikh)

1 Comment

  1. Jude Bloomenfield

    September 16, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Joshua Teitelbaum has an interesting take on teh history of Middle East negotiations . see http://bit.ly/cKp3UN

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