The Arab Winter

Characters:
Hugo ChavezVenezuela
Hosni MubarakEgypt
Bashir al-AssadSyria
Muamar el-QadaffiLibya
Mahmoud AhmadinejadIran
Hassan NasrallahHezbollah
Ismayil HaniyahHamas

Chavez, Mubarak, Assad, Qadaffi and Ahmadinejad are sitting around a table in a mysterious location holding a secret meeting.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Allah hu’Ahbar my brothers!

Chorus: Allahu hu’Ahbar!

Hugo Chavez: (smoking a cigar) yes, yes, haha, yes! Allah…haha.

Hosni Mubarak: Ahhh. Why did this happen to me? (groan, groan)

Bashir al-Assad: What is bothering old Hosni?

Muamar el-Qadaffi: Ah, dear boy Bashir. It is the tragic cry of humiliation.

Ahmadinejad: Humiliation! Ha! It is merely humility before Allah!
(rocket explodes in the background)

Mubarak: ahhh! Why! Oh, Allah!

Qadaffi: Hosni has been overthrown by his own people! A throne usurped by its subjects! He put too much trust in Israel and the Americans.

Assad: If this happened to me, my father, Allah bless his soul, would curse my spirit!

Mubarak: Father! Father! My kingdom! My kingdom! Why! Allah! (weeping still)

Ahmadinejad: This will never happen to me, en sh’allah! Those American dogs will never get me! Not with my nuclear arsenal, nor yours Muamar! (turns to Qadaffi) Are not the Americans Zionist dogs?

Qadaffi: (nose begins to bleed) Aye! Dogs indeed! Dogs indeed. But who said anything about a nuclear program?

(Hosni Mubarak gets up and begins to walk around on all fours and bark like a dog)

Ahmadinejad: (looks strangely at Mubarak) The one Nicolas Sarkozy of France built for you.

Qadaffi: (takes off his sunglasses) Oh, yes THAT nuclear program! Now I seem to remember. Hosni! Are you a Muslim? Get off the ground, you are a Muslim not a dog!

Ahmadinejad: Crazy Zionist children of the devil!

Assad: Mubarak, you have lost your mind! You have no idea how to maintain control of your people!
(something explodes in the background)

Qadaffi: This is easy for you to say young Bashir because you have nothing that interests the Americans! They will never assist a coup in your country!

Assad: Nothing? Like what?

Ahmadinejad: Like what? Like oil, that’s what!

Qadaffi: Aye! Oil! Nevertheless, it will never happen to me, hamsa hamsa hamsa.

(something else explodes in the background, goes ignored. The sound of pigs screaming.)

(Mubarak cries, falls on his stomach, begins to weep)

Mubarak: Wh-w-what was THAT?

(Hugo Chavez stands up and begins kissing Assad)

Qadaffi: Chavez, our Catholic friend. Bashir! What are you two doing? Hugo, do you have cigars for everyone?
(Chavez pulls out some cigars)

Assad: (stops kissing Hugo Chavez. Haha. Takes a cigar from Chavez’s hand). I will take the fattest juiciest one of all!)

Ahmadinejad: (Also takes a cigar) No cigar for Mubarak! (looks down at Hosni Mubarak on the floor). You Egyptian child!

Qadaffi: (Also looks at Mubarak) No cigars for you from Uncle Chavez.
(enter Ismayil Haniyeh and Hassan Nasrallah)

Haniyeh: Allah hu-Ahbar.

Nasrallah: Allah hu-Ahbar! Maharba, my brothers!

Chorus: Allah hu-Ahbar. Allah is great. Only Allah!

(all in the room get up from the table and shake the two terrorist leaders’ hands. Mubarak is shaking on the floor. Urin has stained his pants).

Nasrallah: We heard you were having a party so we decided to join!
(Mubarak is coughing and choking on the cigar smoke in the room…he is mumbling something to himself in Hebrew)

Ahmadinejad: (looks at Mubarak) Someone shut this dog up!

(Nasrallah and Haniyeh drag Mubarak and begin beating him. Qadaffi gets a kick in as well. As they do so they take cigars from Hugo Chavez and fire them up).

Mubarak: (crying) Why! Why!

Qadaffi: You are suffering because you trusted those American Zionist dogs!

(something else explodes in the background. The sound of women screaming is heard and sheep crying)

A voice from outside: Open up! It is the Americans! We have you all surrounded!

Ahmadinejad: (proudly smoking his cigar) that’s alright! You cannot stop this Jihad!)

(gets up and begins thrusting his crotch with his hands behind his head, as if dancing to Hip-Hop)

Oh no, no baby no! You cannot stop this Jihad, yo!

(more knocking on the door)

Voices: Open up punks or we’ll smoke this whole complex!

Qadaffi: We are not going anywhere! Let’s all sing a song!

(more banging on the door from outside, the sound of dogs barking, an explosion)

Different Voice: Open up at once! This is the NATO forces!

Assad: What song? (pinches Hugo Chavez’s ass)

Chorus (and Mubarak): (all holding hands and swaying to a familiar Arabic tune)

(A grenade falls into the room…KAPOW!)

The End

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