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Category: Smile (page 1 of 14)

Fun stuff, politically incorrect humor and silliness in Israel, the Middle East and the world around us on OneJerusalm.com

Wrecking Ball the Israeli Version (Neomi Kapit – Haborer)

This is a parody on the Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball. The singer, Lirit Bilvan is a comedian actress, acting in an Israeli crime drama “HaBorer” as Neomi Kapit, the misfit daughter of a crime boss who has “turned” religious.

Israeli Aggression – Caricature 1956

Video Campaign for Kabbalah Bracelet Line Goes Live

MIZZE has also recently launched a funny (some say corky) online video campaign for their line of bracelets. The Israeli company has been making their own brand of Kabbalah inspired jewelry for 3 years.

The campaign was prompted by the just released line of new Kabbalah bracelets. MIZZE is a small jewelry studio in Israel that has its own line of unique Kabbalah jewelry. Their line includes necklaces, bracelets, rings and earrings. Their newest addition includes what they call “Red String Inside” bracelets – Kabbalah bracelets with an authentic Rachel’s tomb red string inter-woven into the bracelets. Rachel was a matriarch in biblical times and is revered in Christianity and Judaism.

The bracelet is intricately woven into a cotton thread with a seal of King Solomon amulet included as a charm. In ancient legend, the seal was said to give King Solomon mystic powers. Every bracelet includes a different seal that has special divine properties (Love, Positive Changes, Health and so on..) and holds some spiritual or emotional significance for the bearer.

Even though the jewelry is inspired by Kabbalah, it is also perfectly suitable for fashion wear. Those who are not drawn by its spiritual origins will at least find its design appealing enough for regular wear and use. For Jews, Christians and some new agers, the item has a deeper meaning and reflects an esoteric belief and practice that is such an integral part of the person’s life.

All jewelry available at MIZZE is crafted from quality organic materials and 925 Sterling Silver, so they make great gift options for those looking for a present with some sentimental value. The new Kabbalah bracelets at MIZZE come in up to 10 different colors for the band and a different Solomon Seal made from sterling silver for each one.

Shaul Mofaz Looking for Partner by Latma TV

The Shiksa Song

Menny Malka and Yochai Sponder in the Shiksa song, a parody on the recent Jewish Orthodox attacks on “inappropriately dressed women”, including cases where the women were girls as young as 8 years old.

Mount Dov: IDF Soldiers Rescue Calf

During routine training at the foot of Mount Dov, soldiers from the Combat Engineering Corps and the Givati Brigade came across a calf trapped in a three meters deep cement ditch within the compass of the shooting range. The training was stopped and the soldiers stepped up to rescue the animal.

A heavy wait visitor was seen earlier this week within the 769 Brigade’s shooting range area, near Mount Dov, close to the Lebanon border. A mature calf, most likely lost and separated from its herd, entered the shooting range and fell down a three meters deep cement ditch.

Soldiers from the Combat Engineering Corps in the middle of a shooting training suddenly notice the animal’s distress while passing by the ditch at noon. “At first, I received reports from my soldiers of a live cow that has survived the fall down the ditch in the shooting range and is now trapped” says Junior Lieutenant Amit Segal from the 769 Brigade.
Segal mentions that it was decided to cease the training and the shooting and attempt to assist the animal. “There are several cattle herds nearby and we decided contacting the owners in order for them to check the state of the animal” says Segal. “The calf somehow managed to avoid physical damage from the fall, but run all over the ditch unsuccessfully trying to escape. The soldiers fed it grass until the owners arrived”.

Soldiers from the engineering brigade, soldiers from the Rotem battalion of the Givati Brigade and soldiers from the769 Brigade all came to the animal’s rescue. The calf’s owner arrived along with his worker, who went down the ditch and roped the calf.

A group of 12 soldiers began tugging the calf “we started tugging but after a short while, one of the ropes tore under the weight and we had to lower the calf back to the ditch and try again with a different rope”. The combined efforts paid off and the calf was rescued unharmed. “Once we had rescued it, it began chasing us. We had to chase it out of the area in order to resume the training and keep it safe”, Segal wraps the successful rescue.

All I want is Jews for Christmas

Jews Against Obama?

With the first round of GOP primary debates already underway, a lingering question is whether President Obama honored the Jewish vote he had so clearly secured when he won the 2009 presidential race.

Republican Bob Turner’s upset victory last Tuesday in the special election for the mostly Democratic congressional seat in New York’s ninth district is said to be a referendum on Obama’s failed economic policies and relations with Israel.

House Speaker John Boehner said in a statement Tuesday night that voters from New York “delivered a strong warning to the Democrats who control the levers of power in our federal government. It’s time to scrap the failed ‘stimulus’ agenda and the misguided policies on Israel and focus on getting America back to creating jobs again.”

Obama’s campaign is downplaying the suggestion that Jewish voters are turning against the president. Pete Sessions, the National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman however said in a statement that the race demonstrates “voters are losing confidence in a president whose policies assault job-creators and affront Israel.”

Other issues are lingering wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, Pakistan and Libya where a NATO assisted coup on the Qadaffi regime will win control over the region for the al-Qaeda.

Democratic State Assemblyman who lost to Turner, David Weprin, is an Orthodox Jew while Turner is a Catholic who has managed to maintain a stronger pro-Zionist stance than his Jewish opponent.

Ed Koch, former New York Mayor and Jerusalem Post columnist said this summer he was endorsing Turner as a way to “send a message” to Obama on his policies toward Israel.

Executive director of the Republican Jewish Coalition, Matt Brooks said in a statement “without question, Obama’s policies are causing significant numbers of Jewish voters to re-examine their loyalty to the Democratic Party.”

Abe Novick wrote on his blog over at Jerusalem Post:

“From Rick Perry to Michelle Bachmann and Rick Santorum et al., their backing is clear. During the last decade, especially since President George W. Bush had to confront the reality of terrorism head on, the GOP has worked to position itself as the more supportive party, favorable and in line with Israel and therefore to many Jewish voters. At the same time, for the past several elections, Democrats have taken the Jewish vote for granted. Behind the scenes, JStreet, the leftwing lobbying organization, has been overly influential on the Obama administration and has shaped and influenced its policy vis-à-vis Israel.”

Nonetheless, Abe Novick writes:

1. Prior to yesterday’s win in the Brooklyn-Queens district where Anthony Weiner had been the Democratic Representative to Congress, a Democratic polling firm (Public Policy Polling) found that 54% of all voters in the Weiner district and 68% of Jewish voters, disapproved of Mr. Obama’s position on Israel. Additionally, 37% of all voters and 58% of Jewish voters said Mr. Obama’s Israel position was “very important” in deciding their vote. Yesterday, even in the heavily Democratic district where they have a 3-1 majority, Republican Bob Turner won. Moreover, in a district that is 40% Jewish, Turner is a 70-year-old Catholic who won against David Weprin, a Jewish Democrat. If that’s not a wake-up call, then the Whitehouse needs to install air raid sirens from Israel.

2. In the midst of the upcoming U.N. vote on Palestinian statehood, the Obama Administration has only recently publicly said they plan to veto it in the Security Council. Why the long wait in making a public statement and elongating the mystery? Meanwhile, he has sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton off in a last minute attempt to beg and cajole the PA not to go through with it. By not understanding that the PA is now one-half Hamas, due to their alliance, he’s dealing with a terrorist organization and one that does not and will not recognize Israel.”

Mazal Tov Israel

On Thursday, the Bank of Israel increased its 2011 GDP growth forecast to 5.2 percent from 4.5 percent and lowered its unemployment rate forecast to 5.8 percent – lowest ever

The Bank of Israel’s growth forecast is in fact lower than the OECD forecast – 5.4 percent – announced earlier in the week. They are also predicting 4.2 percent GDP growth in the coming year and no change in the impressive unemployment rate.

The bank issued a statement saying:

“The rapid growth of GDP and use of resources in the first quarter, and in particular the surge in exports and fixed investment, resulted in an upward revision of most items. Despite the rapid increase in exports, the surplus in the current account of the balance of payments is expected to be significantly smaller than in the previous forecast, because of a faster increase in imports and a more severe deterioration in the terms of trade. The quarterly rates of growth are expected to slow a little in the course of the year as the economy converges to a full employment situation.”

And as for 2012:

“Exports are expected to continue increasing, at a rate slightly below that of world trade, due to both external forces – the deterioration in the terms of trade – and the level of the real exchange rate. The steep increase in capital stock, the result of the expansion of investment in 2011; and the continued rise in the rate of participation in the labor force to 58%, are expected to contribute to a growth rate in 2012 in excess of the potential rate, despite the fact that the economy is in a full employment environment.”

The prediction is 4 percent growth in private consumption for both this year and next; export growth (excluding diamonds) of 6.3 percent this year and 6.2 percent in 2012, import growth (not including defense and diamonds) of 11.5 percent and 6.7 percent respectively, and investment in fixed assets growth of 15.4 percent and 6.8 percent.

The forecast is evidence of stability in Israel’s geopolitical situation and continued smooth riding – knock on wood – in the global economy with no serious fiscal crises developing.

Meanwhile, in IMD’s World Competitiveness Yearbook (WCY) in 2011, Israel is number one in the world in total expenditures of R&D as percentage of GDP, central bank policy, entrepreneurship and scientific research. Also, in 2011 Israel was ranked by IMD, the second in the world in access to venture capital and public expenditure for education.

University of Pittsburgh Israeli Propaganda War Rages On

Students for Justice in Palestine produced a video of their rude, immature protest of an Israeli speaker at the University of Pittsburgh. Their video was riddled with inaccuracies, out-of-context quotes and a general disregard for character or respect (not to mention shoddy camera work and even worse editing).

This is their video, but edited with subtitles to give it more context, and with the face of the speaker blurred as per his request regarding security concerns. The entire University of Pittsburgh community has been embarrassed by and ashamed of Students for Justice in Palestine, and this video shows why.

Also, a little lawyer speak: This video is a legal commentary production as defined under the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. § 107.

Caught Red-Handed In The Orchard

A gang of five Palestinians was recently caught in Kfar Netter, in central Israel, equipped with trucks, receptacles and chainsaws, chopping down the orange trees of a Jewish resident. The Arabs stole the trees to sell in Palestinian villages for firewood, as the wood emits a very agreeable smell when burned.

Boarder Guard Officers discovered that the Palestinian gang members were residing illegally in Israel and were hired by a 31-year old man named, Salah Kabaha, from the village, Zabda, in the West
Bank.

Zivan Freidan, the one who spotted the trespassers said the orchard owner appeared to be in shock. He said:

“These are trees for which he cared for years and then, before he even got the chance to pick the fruit, these gang members came and tore them down with the fruit still on them…This orchard was part of our childhood and we have a lot of memories there.”

Kabaha claims he told police he signed a contract with the orchard owner allowing him to chop down the trees in exchange for a sum of NIS 40,000 ($11,300). Though, these claims have gone unrecognized by the orchard owners. The court has extended his arrest by five days.

The video below is an example of the war of terrorism waged on Jews in Israel:

To Life AKA Vanessa’s Wedding Surprise

Hugo Boss: Despite Attempted Name-Clearing, Venezuela Grows Increasingly Cold to The Jews

Down in Venezuela, President Hugo Chávez has agreed to meet with delegates of the country’s Jewish community for a discussion about antisemitism in the state-run media.

Last June, Mr. Chavez made a public declaration that he believed the Mossad was scheming to assassinate him and that the Israeli government was bankrolling his Venezuelan opposition.

Vice president of the Confederation of Israelite Associations of Venezuela (CAIV), David Bittan Obadia, made the following statement according to the Jewish Chronicle Online in anticipation of the meeting set for September:

“We do not deem [anti-Semitism] a state policy, but the government has the tools to stop it…We will be very straightforward in expressing our concerns. We can see that the government is willing to cooperate…” Stoically he then declared, “This anti-Semitism is troubling us all and it needs to cease immediately.”

According to Jewish journalist Jennifer Lipman:

Anti-Jewish sentiment has been a problem throughout the presidency of Hugo Chavez. In his 12 years in power, the populist leftist leader has made speeches accusing “Semitic banks” of sabotaging the economy and lent his support to an indigenous Islamic group known as “Hizbollah Venezuela.”

In just one isolated instance of antisemitism in the Bolivarian Republic, only days after a public rant in opposition of Israel’s actions in Gaza during Operation Cast Lead, in January of 2009, vandals broke into Sephardic synagogue, Tiferet Israel, only a mile from Chávez’s presidential palace in Caracas. Torah scrolls were trashed and spray paint informed the walls of death threats for Jews and the Jewish country.

A member of the Carcas Jewish community predicted that:

“Chavez and his supporters will not give up power, irrespective of the election result, and many members of our community are concerned that if there are disturbances, we will be targeted. When there is anarchy, there are always people who use it to attack Jews.”

She also observed that:

When the mood intensifies, like during the current election campaign, there are politicians who immediately bring out the incitement against the Jews. Is this by order of the president? I don’t know, but the president sees and hears everything in the government-controlled area. Many Jewish families in my area have left or are leaving.

Also, earlier this summer, Chavez met with Syrian President Bashar Assad and called on Latin America and the Arab world to fight together what he deemed “America’s imperialist and capitalist interests abroad.”

Meanwhile, amid delays to negotiate with Syria, due to rumored Israeli reticence, Defense Minister Ehud Barak, IDF Chief of General Staff Lieutenant, General Gabi Ashkenazi, OC Military Intelligence Major General Amos Yadlin and OC Planning Branch Major General Amir Eshel are all giving a stalwart push for peace meetings with the Syrian government – while an effort is being made to stall the sale of weapons to that country from Russian suppliers.

The Three Idiots

AND THEN, ACHOTINU (one act) By Scott Krane Part 2

(enter Professor Alkobi)
Alkobi: aahhh! You barbarians. What are you trying to do, break my hand? Where is my?—

Detective: Start talking professor.

Alkobi: About what?
(for this sarcasm the professor is rewarded a smack)

Detective: Where is he Professor, where is he!

Alkobi: Where is who? Why don’t you—
(another smack…this time with the back of the detective’s hand. Alkobi puts his finger underneath the bleeding nostril)

Jewish Temple
Detective: Don’t play stupid with me Alkobi! Where’s your boss? (Black Jerry is again heard barking from down the hall) Someone shut that damn dog up.
(The detective lights another cigarette, rises from his chair and walks to the other side of the interrogation table. He applies the cherry of the cigarette to the art professor’s hand. Alkobi falls to his knees, his chair collapsing underneath him)

Alkobi: ahhh! You barbarians. Have you not bigger fish to fry? Where are the soldiers, kidnapped by European activists?
(Black Jerry begins again to bark)

Detective: That’s it. Kill the damn dog!
(one gunshot is heard. The dog wimpers. Another gunshot – now silence)

Alkobi: I don’t know where he is. Really. (holds his wounded hand, climbing back in his chair)
I do not know where Danziger ben Colman is. We made the mural so fast. It was all a blur. If I could help you – God knows I would. You think I know something that you don’t, but you are wrong, you are wasting your time. All I know is art, and here is what I can tell you: Herod himself would weep at the beauty of this mural! The ruins of our temple have finally found a proper place in God’s service. Anyway, wherever ben Colman is, you’ll never be able to find him. He will be as elusive to you as the meaning of his art.

Detective: What is the meaning of this mural? – The nation’s flag and the mysterious angelic woman? Were you protesting something?

Alkobi: The master seeks not to protest anything. The master has worshipped at the Kotel his entire life. It is a very holy place to him. The master seeks merely to express the ennui of the current state of Zion and his longing for the Messianic era. The master seeks to express the unsung Dyonisian genius of the Jewish country. He feels that the beauty of Jewish Man’s creative expression is the missing link to Israel’s redemption. The master’s mural was his offering to the Lord of Hosts. To color the material world with art in hope to influence God to send us redemption. To build God a temple of Jewish Man’s creative expression.

Detective: (a silly look on his face) Tell me what it was like being in ben Colman’s classroom. You WERE his pupil once.

Alkobi: He would sit on top of his desk while teaching at the Bezalel. His legs would cross at his shins, hovering above the ground, pointing upward – they would bend and twist with his feet in all different directions. This is how you could tell that his mind was active. His legs looked like they wanted to break free from his stationary torso and run – striding across fields of vacant pastures – away from the familial expectations and cultural norms which so terrified him – these hilly pastures were his imagination.

Detective: Well, enough about his legs. What did he wear?!

Alkobi: He dressed like his father. Black pants. White shirt. Black shoes. His pants would sag slightly below the desired position – slightly – and the gentlemen would be too embarrassed to be seen sloppily sliding his fingers into the waist line or hooking a belt loop to attempt a hopeless lift. A corner of his shirt might become untucked. A string from his tzitzit might occasionally escape the darkness of its tucked in home. He had no problem though, proudly pushing his hand through his light brown hair and casually groping his traditional black skull-cap. Not to set it in place on his scalp – but to make sure that the thing had not fallen off – as if some mysterious wind, felt only by him, was blowing it off.

Detective: Very eloquently put Professor. You talk like you paint. I do apologize about your hand. I hope they won’t do worse to you in prison.
(The detective motions for the guards to take him away)

Alkobi: (being dragged away) You fools! You’ll never find him!

Detective: Is Mordechai ben Colman still here? Bring him in. (The detective gets up from his chair and begins pacing)
(Enter Danziger Ben Colman’s father, unescorted)

Detective: Good evening sir. I am sorry about the circumstance. I believe that you do not know anything more about Achotinu or your son’s whereabouts than we do. Just tell us a little about Danziger as a boy. It may give us clues as to where he could be hiding.

Mr. Ben Colman: He was a good boy. A good heart. Not a slow Torah learner. He was strange though. (he begins to weep…the detective hands the ultra-Orthodox Jew a tissue) He stole once in his life – but he returned daf tzadi of the Rav’s Tractate Nezikim after sketching a portrait of the Rav in almost microscopic proportion below the Ayn Mishpat. For this, they almost kicked Danziger out of the Yeshiva. None of the other boys would talk to him. He would just hang out with that damn dog, Black Jerry.
(someone in the room coughs)

Detective: Did you ever have to discipline him?

Mr. Ben Colman: One year, motze Yom Kippur, I yanked him by his scrawny arm to the electric stove and forced his hand on the hot top.

Detective: Why?

Mr. Ben Colman: He tore apart my Shulchan Aruch. He divided each law and explanation with scissors and pasted the shapes to the living room table. Halachicly indexed! It was sad, his mother did not touch him – Black Jerry whimpered and licked his hand, I’ll never forget.
(suddenly an officer barges in…his clothes wet from the rain)

Officer: We can’t find him. We’ve combed nearly the entire country.

Detective: The deserts?

Officer: yes.

Detective: The forests?

Officer: yes.

Detective: Well, keep on looking. I want every damn inch of this country scrutinized. I mean it! It’s only been 48 hours. Every home, the sea, everything! Dispatch the Navy! Call the United States, whatever you can do!

Officer: One thing detective.

Detective: What is it Alvarez?

Officer: Where is Black Jerry, he might hold a clue.

Detective: I had the dog shot.

Officer: You imbecile! Don’t you know that he spent all of his damn time since his childhood with the dog?

Mr. Ben Colman: That’s true too.

Officer: If there were any way to find Danziger the dog would have been needed. We could have had it psychoanalyzed by the K9 specialist. And I wonder detective, if your haste in killing Black Jerry, does not represent your inability to understand the unsung Dyonisian genius of this country!

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