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Category: Smile (page 10 of 14)

Fun stuff, politically incorrect humor and silliness in Israel, the Middle East and the world around us on OneJerusalm.com

Gaydamak Will Take Care Of It

What about the refugees in Gaza? Gaydamak will take care of it…

Gaydamak Will Take Of It..

Moshik

The Israeli Palestinian Comedy Tour

A long time ago we had a post here about Ray Hanania and I just came across this Israeli Palestinian Comedy Tour. It’s too bad that there is not more of the Palestinian side in this. I know that the intention is good and all, but if you ask anyone on the street about this they wouldn’t have heard about these guys. Still a nice story though…



Drinking with a Redneck Girl

This was sent in by someone who shell remain nameless. If you knew the person, which we do, this would seem the oddest thing to get. This is a peace loving, religious, kind to the world sort of person. Must have been a strange day for her.

We couldn’t help putting this on…

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.”

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.”

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, “In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”

God Bless America !

Three Labs

Three Labrador Retrievers — one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, “So why are you here?”
The brown Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my Owner’s’ bed.”
The black Lab said, “So what is the vet going to do?”
“Gonna cut my nuts off,” came the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, “Why are you here?”
The yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig Under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab inquired.
“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too”. The dejected yellow Lab said
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, “Why are you here?”
“I’m a humper,” the black Lab said. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.” Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away”.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, nuts off for you too, huh?”
The black Lab said! . “No , I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

The Israeli Ambassador

The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, “Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you …
“When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert. When they reached the Promised Land, the people had became very thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts’ content.

“Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dived into the cool waters. The only problem was when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen.

‘And,’ he said, ‘I have reason to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'”

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, “This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!”

“And with that in mind,” said the Israeli Ambassador, “let me now begin my speech.”

Eurovision 2007 Push The Button Video

I see Kobi Oz (the singer) in his new morning shows and I don’t think he’s going to make it much longer. I don’t see Kobi as a morning person…

Ten Minutes Of Laughter Guaranteed !

There are tons of funny video clips out there and so when I get an email from someone claiming that they have “the funniest video clip online” attached, I am a little skeptic. Well. Let me tell you something, this is a clip that is guaranteed to make you laugh. If you are watching this at work, please make sure the office door is closed or that there is no one around to hear you laugh because you can really lose control here..

Hat Tip: glumbert.com

Have a great week :)

Idiot Judge at Nicole Smith Trial – AN EMBARASEMENT to Legal System

Is this a fucking joke ? Is someone watching this idiot judge at the Nicole Smith trial and the lying bitch (ex cop no less) mother of Nicole Smith?
This is the biggest load of shit I ever saw. Who needs television and movies when you have this? This judge should not be qualified to walk a dog.
If I were a judge in the US, at any level, I would hand in my robe right now. One might catch whatever this idiot has.
This is the first time I ever saw a judge leading the witness. All she has to do is keep quiet and the judge bails her out.

The woman received money and profited from the death of her daughter. She is in this for the money and when she is asked
about whether she received any money from any publications she gets confused ??? She actually tells the judge she DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT ANSWER IS ?
How about the truth?

Here’s hoping that the next 3 mile jog this judge takes he gets hit by a truck !!!

A Hairy Drama and Hoping For The Sequel

This takes a little time to start but once it does its really scary. To think that someone was about to get married in that state. This looks borderline mental – Postal move over to Bridal.

I almost wish there was a sequel to this, showing the wedding and what happened next. If anyone hears about a sequal please let us know…

Middle East Overload – Video

Ever get the feeling that things in the Middle East can be a little too much to bare?
Middle East Overload

The Saddam Hangman Game

I found this version of the old Hangman game with a new twist. While you guess the letters Saddam will taunt you. I guess in light of the recent letter and the looming execution this is just a first in a line of “new ideas”..

Go Elf Yourself for the Holidays

Kimba the ElfI came across this site that allows you to go through what they call an Elfamorphosis. Use a picture of yourself and place the headshot on the body of a dancing elf. You can even use an online generated code to record a holiday greeting. The service is part of an online marketing campaign by Office Max.
You can see Kimba wishing everyone Happy Holidays :)

The Year in Review Jib Jab Style

This is Nuckin’ Futs !!!

Worlds Apart

Doing some renovation these days. The house is a hell hole, my stuff is about everywhere, my life in a suitcase… But I’m pleased, because I know it’s going to be over in a week or so, and, because I got a chance to learn a lot about the unwritten rules of home improvement in Israel.

Going from one tile place to another (and several others… it’s got to be perfect – even if it’s in beige-scale), I got to fully realize how in Tel Aviv, in the small distance of less than 3 kilometers there exist two completely different worlds. Just a short journey away from the Tel Aviv harbour area (Ha-Namal), with its parking lot packed with costly jeeps, and you’re in the shabby old Central Station, not far off from the frail houses in the neighborhoods you get to hear about only in the winters, when they are practically drowned in the pouring rain due to the defective plumbing system.

There, at the old Central Station on Friday noon, you can see all the tired faces of the foreign workers, Philippine house-care women on their only free day, and Chinese workers still working well into the Shabbat to finish their work.
The salesmen in both places, in Northern as well as in Southern Tel Aviv, were nice and helpful. Quite surprisingly, one of them even told me a professional secret, which I guess applies to some extent in other markets and not just in the tile business: there are two price categories for the same product, pretty much. Porcelain and ceramics – the first costing twice as much, and… sells twice as much. Why is it so expensive? Because it holds even when the temperature gets well below -30°c. The salesman then motioned on the thermometer hanging on the wall behind him and winked at me.

I got a lot more professional tips from all the salesmen I’ve managed to exhaust in my little market research, but there was something that really got my attention – they all mentioned the cheap foreign work power, and they all lowered their voices and turned their heads a bit when they did.

Alice in Job-Hunt Land – The End?

AliceLadies and gentlemen, I’m happy to inform you that Alice is now back in business. After getting to the pathetic point of actually envying ordinary people who go to work every day, as well as experiencing slight paranoia for being examined and evaluated by strange eyes on an almost daily basis, the right job seems to have met just the right person – and that, my friends, is none other than your humble narrator. Phew.

I just wonder if anyone could please find this “Murphy” guy and kill him. Two hours after being accepted to my new work place, I got no less than three extremely attractive job offers, which I of course had to turn down. But not with a heavy heart, bless the Lord. Can’t complain, I’m very pleased.

It’s just that, first of all, why had it taken all these people that much time to understand they like me so much they’d want to hire me? And how come some of these nice people suddenly turned out to be so very nasty when I had to tell them I’ve already said Yes to another offer? One of them even had the nerve to bark at me, saying it is not acceptable that a person who is sent by a potential employer to a whole day’s test at an evaluation centre (a 9-hour torture, that is) would eventually say No to the offer. How strange, just a week ago I was crawling on all fours to get a new job – anything remotely decent – and now they all fight over me. But, I guess that’s how it is in this cruel business world – going once, going twice – SOLD!

Hopefully paranoid-android me will be able to stop feeling constantly like an interviewee in the new place, populated with so many new pairs of inspecting eyes. If a job interview is like going on a first date, starting a new work is like starting to go steady. But, enough of that. We’ll dazzle them, yes we will. Thank you, you’ve been a lovely audience. Roger, over and out.

(Picture courtesy of Disney)

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