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a different side of Israel

Category: Smile (page 9 of 14)

Fun stuff, politically incorrect humor and silliness in Israel, the Middle East and the world around us on OneJerusalm.com

Appropriate Dress Code Video

I can’t speak French but this is pretty self explanatory. For anyone interested in the appropriate dress code for women in our part of the world…
Hat Tip: BG


[ACT]http://www.onejerusalem.com/wp-content/proper_cover.wmv,400,350[/ACT]

Happy Hanukkah with Singing Menorah!

It’s cold and rainy today and it feels great. Finally we can feel what Winter should be like. An ideal time for a singing Menorah!

Just click the candles and make them sing. Click the Shamash (Red center candle) and he will turn them all on or off.
Have a warm weekend !

Happy Hanukkah

Cool Facts About Israel (Video)

In the midst of political shame, teacher strikes, unnecessary car accidents, etc.. there is nothing like a good old fashioned pat on the back to get our egos back on track.

And Baruch Hashem, tfu tfu tfu, hamsa hamsa hamsa, we still have a lot to be proud of.

As one YouTube user puts it:

As a small country with limited natural resources, Israel depends on its most important natural resource — its people.

Israel’s achievements are uniquely its own, a mixture of high idealism, ingenuity and self-reliance.

In almost 60 short years, Israel has accomplished what many nations haven’t been able to do in centuries.

Israel’s one natural resource is its brainpower, with a driving demand for survival and success against all odds, Israel developed an energetic and ambitious society.

On the occasion of the soon 60th Day of Independence, I take the opportunity of listing together some of the outstanding facts and achievements of our beloved Israel.

Is your ego thirsty for more? How typically Israeli… Well, have no fear, there’s a lot more where that came from.

Just don’t let it go to your head! ;)

CHUTZPAH

Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5,000 candidates are assembled in a large room.

One of them is Maurice Cohen, a little French Jew. Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA program language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, “I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I’ll give it a try”.

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice
Cohen says to himself, “I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?”

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, “I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room.
Maurice Cohen says himself, “I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! Have I got anything to lose?”

He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian. I’d like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian.
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: “Baruch ata Adonaï.”
The other candidate answers: “Elohénu melech ha’olam.”

Falling Video A.K.A BATATA

In Hebrew the word Batata means fat ass, or fatty. It’s part of the older slang and something that still is widely used to describe the chunkier people in our lives. So when I got this in the email, I wasn’t ready for this.

Ever feel like you’re just falling ? Keep it down when you watch it :)


[ACT]http://onejerusalem.com/wp-content/falling.wmv,400,300[/ACT]

Gone Testicles Interview

I am speechless….rolling on the floor laughing, and speechless…



Thank You Email

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent us emails this past year……..

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program…

Or, I¹ll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

And I don¹t go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Birthday Boys

Yesterday, September 30th, I celebrated my 62nd birthday; and amid all the fanfare and well wishes from family and friends, I discovered on the news that another person, a well known one, also celebrated his 62nd as well. In case any of you are wondering just who that well known person is, he is none other than Israel’s “illustrious” prime minister, Ehud Olmert. Mr. Olmert took advantage of the ongoing Sukkoth festival to celebrate his coming into the world with a festive reception in a large sukkah that had been erected near the Knesset in Jerusalem. As all observant Jews are aware, God commanded the Children of Israel to build these booths, and “to dwell within them” for eight days every year to commemorate the 40 year period of wandering in the wilderness of Sinai. Olmert took the occasion to thank everyone for their support during a most trying year; and he promised that he would be present again in this very place next year to again commemorate the festival.

Another year of Olmert? Is this supposed to be a blessing, or something else altogether? Mr. Olmert’s good feelings were noted over the weekend in the media, when more than one article mentioned the prime minister’s ability to ward off public criticism, and to delay the publishing of the final Winograd Report, which is supposed to add additional insight into Olmert’s responsibility for steering our country into what turned out to be a truly disastrous war with Lebanon; and which began in the first place as a response to the capture of two Israel reserve solders’ whose fate and whereabouts are still unknown to this day.

I don’t want to use this occasion to begin to note all of the problems that the Prime Minister still faces; including a number of financial related misdeeds that he is alleged to be involved in. Doing so would surely spoil the good feelings I had yesterday in regards to celebrating my own special day; and it might even make me choke on what’s left of the chocolate cake that was presented to me in my honor. Enough has already been said about Mr. Olmert’s complex problems, and his final day of reckoning has yet to come. Being prime minister, Mr. Olmert still has to deal with a number of very sensitive and problematic issues, including further deteriorating relations between and the Gaza part of the Palestinians, and a possible large scale military incursion by IDF soldiers into Gaza to try to put a stop to the launching of Qassam rockets into Israel once and for all.

Olmert didn’t attend the recent opening of the U.N. General Assembly in New York, and it’s probably better that he didn’t. This is because he seems to make the wrong statements most of the time; and doing so before the World Body would have made him even more an object of ridicule than he already is.

Bearing all of this in mind, we might all go ahead and wish him well; as well as wish that someone better qualified will replace him as soon as possible. We can hopefully wish his successor a most happy and successful year at the next Sukkoth Festival holiday. And at that time, I’ll be able to celebrate my next birthday without having to compete with so “worthy” a person whose birthday just happens to fall on the same day as my own.

In the meantime, he can have some of my chocolate cake.

Evil Weasel In New York Video

This is a nice video starring “The Evil Weasel” in New York (Hat Tip: James)

Jihadi Terrorists Swoon Over Rosie O’Donnell

RosieSome of the deadliest Palestinian terror leaders have come out to praise Rosie O’Donnell, saying her theories on 9/11 and the Bush administration are spot on. The people applauding the former co-star of “The View” are known terrorists and murderers, such as Ala Senakreh, who have not only planned and executed terrorist attacks against civilians but also developed the global terror strategies used in Iraq, the US and the UK.

“I agree with everything O’Donnell said,” boasted Ramadan Adassi, chief of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades in the West Bank’s Anskar refugee camp.

Adassi’s terrorist boss, Ala Senakreh, went one step further and invited O’Donnell to come spend some time with them in the terror addled West Bank: “We welcome Rosie O’Donnell to stay among us and to get to know the truth from being here, like many American peace activists are doing,” said Ala Senakreh.

The terrorists sound off about O’Donnel in Aaron Klein’s book Shmoozing With Terrorists, which contains shocking interviews of radical Islamist conducted by a Jewish reporter from New York.

If O’Donnell does take the terrorists up on their offer to come live with them, she might want to keep the fact that she is gay on the down-low since Senakreh and his Islamist crew consider homosexuality a disease that should be punished by death. You can’t please everyone all the time, Rosie– but you sure can try!

Shana Tova Kid

I got this cute email for the New Year – the sign says, “My mother stuck me here to wish you a Happy New Year” :)

Shana Tova Kid

Mentos Intern: Interactively Abuse Trevor

Mentos InternHas anyone seen this guy Trevor? A great viral marketing campaign by Mentos has this guy taking orders from the public in real time. Watch this guy do back flips, play charade and interact with the people on the site. A great idea…
Interesting how many people just use the chat interface to “shout out” abuse. Ever wonder why with all the technology we have available these days, the first instinct for some people is still saying some really stupid things the first chance they get…
The campaign is great though and a really nice way of getting online interaction.

How Little Boys Are Born

A little boy goes to his father and asks
“Daddy, how was I born?” The father
answers: “Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via email with your Mom and we met
at a Cyber Cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You Got Male!

Urges On The Afghan Border

Camel On The Afghan BorderA new Air Force Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have “urges”, that’s why we have Molly The Camel.”

The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about “urges”, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own”urges”.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

“Not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are!”

The New JPhone

Once in a while you come across some funny sites and this is one of them. I liked this JPhone video and there are some great jokes there as well, like this one..

An Al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Arab shouted, “Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.”

“OK,” said the old Jew, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. “Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.”

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