One Jerusalem: Thank you for this interview Lord, we know that you are quite busy these days.
El: It is my pleasure Man. I am here for youâ€¦
One Jerusalem: With hopes that we shall dedicate ourselves to your service?
El: Yes, exactly, that is what I meant.
One Jerusalem: Letâ€™s begin from the beginning, shall we?
One Jerusalem: How old were you when you created the universe and everything in it?
El: Good question. I cannot give you an exact age like, 55, 17, 33,000. I am eternal.
One Jerusalem: Thatâ€™s impressive.
One Jerusalem: So, why DID you decide to create the universe?
El: It is my nature to create.
One Jerusalem: Can you expound?
El: Well, if I didnâ€™t create the universe, what would I do? Sit around and eat everything bagels with lox and chive cream cheese? HAHAHA. I would be lonely, you know? Like my son Adam. So I created you and your world. Do you enjoy it?
One Jerusalem: Lord, please let me do the interviewing.
El: Very well.
One Jerusalem: How do you feel about the Middle East conflict?
El: It breaks my heart. I see the way that the world treats you, Israel. And you ARE my special nation.
One Jerusalem: Thank you. Can you explain a little more?
El: That boy Ishmael has had a stick up his ass for years. I give him free will and he makes wrong choices. Itâ€™s chutzpa, reallyâ€¦ gavalt! Can you say gavalt?
One Jerusalem: Gavalt!
El: Thank you.
One Jerusalem: Thank YOU El! Have you noticed that the nations in the last 40 years or so, regardless of religion, tend to want to make Israel weaker? They pressure us to give away the land which YOU gave us, and OUR military bravely recaptured in self-defense? And they make an argument that we are like the SS and that we should give OUR land back to ex-Jordanians and violent extremist Muslims in the name of Human Rights.
EL: Iâ€™ve noticed that Son of Adam. Theyâ€™re nutsâ€¦they were nuts not to take the Torah when I offered it to them, and it IS the blueprint which I used to create the universeâ€¦theyâ€™re nuts to worship that Jesus and that Mohamet â€“ although they were good boys — and theyâ€™re nuts that sit in that United Nations. Oh, look at us, weâ€™re the United Nations. Israel can never be a member, I am so important. You are not El! You are sillyâ€¦
One Jerusalem: Iâ€™ve noticed that El. Whatâ€™s your favorite color?
El: I like the color green, the color of envy. It reminds me of your brother Esau. HAHAHA
One Jerusalem: HAHAHA. I thought you were going to say Red, because it is the color of royalty, like yourself.
El: Nope. HAHAH. But thatâ€™s a good color too. HAHAHA. I am running out of time. I have to go show some mercy to Haitian orphans.
One Jerusalem: Well you ARE the father of mercyâ€¦
El: So I amâ€¦So I amâ€¦
One Jerusalem: How about that 9/11. That really sent the world spinning off of its axis. What ACTUALLY happened that day, and why?
El: No comment.
One Jerusalem: One last question. Why the Holocaust?
El: Thatâ€™s my one regret son. Donâ€™t beat yourself up. I did a Freudian analysis of that cuckold Hitler, and I saw what a base knave he was. My bad. He was as defective a human being as Iâ€™ve ever made. My mistake, my mistakeâ€¦Rest assured, I sent him to hell with Dante and Haman
One Jerusalem: Well we appreciate your time, or shall I say: we appreciate TIME in general?
El: It is for YOU to make the most of son.
One Jerusalem: Good adviceâ€¦Any last words of advice to share with our online audience?
El: Pray. And keep writing this blogâ€¦Your father in Heaven will keep on readingâ€¦We get very strong wireless connection up there.
One Jerusalem: Of course. Wait lord, are you sending us a Messiah?